An Angel :
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A man wanted to buy a present for his wife, so he went into a pet shop and paid a hundred bucks for a mynah bird. It was a very special bird, which could speak six languages and recite the alphabet backwards.

He had the bird sent to his wife, and later on he rang her up to ask her: "How did you like the bird?"
"Fine," replied his wife. "It was delicious!"

A man at work decided to show his wife how much he loved her, and before going home, showered, shaved, put on some choice cologne, bought her a bouquet of flowers. He went to the front door and knocked. His wife answered the door and exclaimed, "Oh no! This has been a terrible day! First I had to take Billy to the emergency room and get stitches in his leg, then your mother called and said she's coming for 2 weeks, then the washing machine broke, and now this! You come home drunk!

A groom chose his pet dog as the best man for his wedding reports the Metro.  Paul Nock told his new wife Kelly years ago that he wanted Scooby by his side on their big day. The health and safety training organizer, from Hull, said, 'I was away working in Dubai when the wedding arrangements were made and didn't think she would let it happen. But when we got into the register office I turned round and there he was walking up the aisle, with the rings tied around his neck.' The 27-year-old bride added: 'It was a wonderful surprise.'

Many girls marry men just like their fathers, which may explain why many mothers cry at weddings.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Money:

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.

We accompanied our son and his fiancee' when they met with her priest to sign some pre-wedding ceremony papers. While filling out the form, our son read aloud a few questions. When he got to the last one, which read: "Are you entering this marriage at your own will?" he looked over at his fiancee'. "Put down 'Yes,'" she said.

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. 

While filling out their marriage license, after the blank for number of marriages, the groom answered: "First." The bride entered the word: "Last." 

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Prospective father-in-law to daughter's suitor: "How much money do you have in the bank"?
Young man: "I don't know. I haven't shaken it lately.

The speaker at our woman’s club was lecturing on marriage and asked the audience how many of us wanted to "mother" our husbands. One member in the back row raised her hand.
"You do want to mother your husband?" the speaker asked.
"Mother?" the woman echoed. "I thought you said smother."

[Small Girl returning from kindergarten]
[Small Girl]- Mother I need to know what is sex?
Mother Taken aback by the question but she does not want to dissappoint
the child. So she explains to the girl about sex for about an hour -
how baby is created, marriage and >making love.
[Girl]- After hearing her mother talk, she starts to cry.
[Mother]- Why are you crying?
[Girl]- Mum I don't know how to summerise all that you have said in
this application which only has two answers for SEX : MALE / FEMALE.
[Mother]- Ah......!

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around
and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the
man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant
you one wish, but only one."
 The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to
Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and
ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built
from here to Hawaii."
 The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can
do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed
to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the
bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed.
 No, that is just too much to ask."
 The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one
other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to
understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they
temperamental,
why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them
tick?"
 The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two
lanes or four?"

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he' d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!'

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
he motioned for her to come nearer.
 
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You 
have been with me all through the bad times.
 
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were 
still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
 
"I think you're bad luck, get the heck away from me."

On her golden wedding anniversary, my grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the ten.'"

At a three-day retreat for pastors and their wives, one session consisted of testimonies about how the Lord had blessed our lives and ministries. One young preacher's wife stood up and began nervously, "The Bible promises, 'No good thing does the Lord withhold from them that walk uprightly.' Well," she said sincerely, "my husband is one of those 'no good things'!"

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

‘Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?’ Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.